RECAP: Two Weddings and a Court Order

In the most recent episode of "White Trash With Money Teen Mom OG" we saw minimal movement or growth from any of the characters (except for Farrah, actually).  Every single week I wonder why I still write these recaps or watch this show, because it's honestly getting boring and predictable as fuck.  However, I still hate myself more than Maci hates the concept of skin care, so here we are, back for another week to check in on what those fertile fucks are up to.

Amber

This week, we found Amber back in bed (SHOCKER) and still wearing her Erykah Badu headwrap.  Honestly, I'm surprised her cyber scam boutique hasn't crashed like Catlynn and Tyler's site with how many people must be clamoring to look and dress just like her.  She looks as if she should be wearing a muumuu and waving a broom at the neighborhood kids, and this is a choice she's making.  This episode, we were introduced to her cousin/friend who was able to put down the meth long enough to pick up a check from MTV for hanging out with Amber.  Family first!  Leah (the child Amber had like 6 plastic surgeries ago), is about to start school, and Amber has been so busy sitting in bed crying about Matt that she hasn't really spent any time with her over her summer break.  Amber claims he CAN'T see Leah, because she can't be a good mother to her daughter if she's depressed about some dick she found on Twitter!  DUH.  Let's all just ignore the fact that maybe if she had been more worried about being a parent than scrolling social media for a man to steal her money, she wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.  Nevertheless, Amber decides to leave her bed and experience sunlight for the first time when she meets up with Gary and Kristina to see Leah off for her first day of school.  Gary had to call Amber to make sure she was awake for the school drop off, much as my mother once called me when I was 16 to make sure I was awake on time to get to a dentist appointment.  She complains about the sun blinding her while she drove and Gary's wife said what literally all of us were thinking, "yeah because she's used to the moon."  The bed dweller mainly bitched about Matt all episode while Gary's wife raised her child.  Heartwarming, truly.

Maci

In the Rhineland, Maci has been neglecting washing her makeup off and has instead fully dedicated all of her time and effort into whining about druggie baby daddy #1, Ryan, who is fresh out of dropping out of completing rehab and refusing to take a drug test in order to see Bentley.  For most people, if seeing their child were a priority and the only stipulation was, you know, NOT BEING ON FUCKING HEROINE, I'm pretty sure the choice would be easy.  In Rhineland, he can't take a drug test because (despite "graduating" from rehab) "it's still in his system" (aka he's still using) so Maci is just the worst type of human for not wanting her son to be around the drugged up mess.  Jen and Larry are visibly upset, mainly because they are the only ones who ever really took care of Bentley to begin with and they feel Maci should at least let their grandson spend time with them, even if their fuck up of a son isn't involved.  I truly feel as though Jen is being reasonable about the situation, and understands where Maci is coming from.  She just misses her grandson, and I'm sure she somewhat misses the other multiple gingers Maci has spawned and birthed in a pool of Bud Light, seeing as how she used to be Maci's go-to babysitter.  I'm genuinely surprised Toucan Sam, Rhine's fiance didn't fly into the garage Jen and Larry were crying in to fake a look of concern for the cameras.
Back in the land of Mack Truck, she told Rhine she needed to go get a new dress, since the one she wore to their shotgun wedding Rhine barely remembers is full of tainted memories.  She says the phrase every little girl dreams of saying about planning her wedding:  "well I had all this time when you were in rehab..." before she explains to her high as fuck husband that she needs to fly to Dallas to go get a white dress to wear for her second trip down the aisle.  She asks Rhine if he wants to come with her and he snaps out of his drugged up state for a second to say no.
"Mackenzie, I can't see your dress before the wedding. I actually probably won't even see it at the wedding because my eyes will be closed for most of it due to drug use.  Here, get the spoon and tie my arm."
At least, that's how I'm assuming it went off camera.
Anyway, the child Maci cares about started school and Rhine was nowhere to be heard from, and Mack Truck picked a wedding dress complete with beads and feathers, and honestly, it as plumage fit for the toucan queen she is.
Fuck these people WHY AM I SO INVESTED IN THIS FUCKING FRANCHISE.

Catelynn & Tyler

Literally the worst people on Earth continued to have the worst and most annoying storyline this week.  This episode, Tyler and Cate were worried that the date Brandon and Theresa offered for them to visit with Carly conflicted with their family vacation (which I assume is a trip to WalMart since the two are step siblings).  I mean, despite how important seeing Carly is to them, Tyler and Catelynn were really looking forward to their break from doing nothing, and they can't let Brandon and Theresa's need of structure get in the way of that.  Luckily, the adoptive parents of their firstborn were willing to be flexible, and Cate and Ty packed up that ET doppleganger they've spawned and drove to North Carolina to hang out with the kid they gave away to a set of stable parents. The two were frustrated that Carly's parents didn't want to have a more open relationship with them.  At one point, Cate ponders aloud, "Do they know how adoption works?!" at which point I audibly retorted at my TV screen, "DO YOU KNOW HOW ADOPTION WORKS?!"  Cate and Tyler continue to use adoption as an 18 year babysitting service, and expect to have full contact with their child without any of the responsibility.  Completely ignoring how confusing processing the concept of adoption is for a young child, Cate and Tyler continue to put their own needs ahead of anyone elses and cry and whine about how they deserve to see their daughter and completely disrupt the stable life she's been living.  Before leaving for their trip, Catelynn explains she shipped gifts for Carly, which I can only hope are Tierra Reign exclusives.  Who knows, maybe Brendan and Theresa could use a new set of dish rags.  MTV really knows how to keep us hanging, because they saved the big visit (which won't be televised because Brandon and Theresa are respectable human beings) for next week.

Farrah

Okay low key, high key, every fucking key on the scale I AM OBSESSED WITH FARRAH.  I mean, has she gone overboard with the plastic surgery?  Absolutely.  Does she have some weird type of puppy mill of sorts going on that involves her only paying attention to one of those cute dogs and leaving the others in cages?  Yes.  Did she literally just cut Starburst's mane and turn it into a weave?  Bitch, she might have.  WHO CARES.  TBH Farrah is honestly the only mom in the OG group who has shown any type of movement or growth and who also is actually a mother.  This episode, Farrah has come back from whoring working abroad, and she is genuinely excited to see Sophia and indifferent towards her father.  Her rudeness does not extend, however, to Michael's girlfriend Amy, who she seems to have a close, functional relationship with.  The two later go to get pedicures when Amy reveals she wants to skip out after the pedi to go bang Michael (gross).  But she doesn't leave without giving Farrah some advice, urging her to maybe extend the olive branch once again to the living mid life Bratz doll, Debra.  Farrah decides to take Amy's suggestion and invites Deb on a trip to Italy which Farrah plans on bankrolling.  After consulting Sophia (because, who the fuck doesn't want a 7 year old's opinion on adult relationships), Farrah decides to Facetime Deb and invite her to Europe.  Of course Deb accepts, because any excuse to get drunk on someone else's dime is a good one for her.  Naturally, Dr. David will NOT be coming with the Abraham/Danielson clan, and Deb doesn't seem to care.  Also in this episode, Michael reveals he wants to propose to Amy and Farrah is very mature and supportive.  She even goes to help him pick out a ring!  Aw, look, our little porn star is all grown up!  Bless her heart.

My favorite Farrah-ism of the night, however, happened ON TWITTER.
Farrah and I communicated telepathically, and she tweeted all of our sentiments to her 1.27 million followers:

I’m just happy amber stays In bed, Maci sits on the couch, Catelynn smokes weed in her car , Tyler’s gays still doesn’t admit it, I travel the world & know how to run businesses #teenmom @mtv all I can say is #WOW pic.twitter.com/dg8K3iTOzC

— Farrah  Abraham (@F1abraham) December 19, 2017

OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

RECAP: TRIGGERED

On this week's episode of "Teen Mom OG," viewers were subjected to a lot of crying and an overwhelming amount of stupidity.  After last night's show which features neither teens nor anyone acting like a mother, I was once again left stupider but incredibly entertained.  I was also wondering why I dedicate my time to re-capping these idiots' lives but hey, my ex has blocked me via any and all form of communication so I really have nothing better to do.  Let's see what these dumb hoes have been up to on MTV's most profitable trainwreck.

Amber

This week was all about Amber getting out of her comfort zone.  First, she left her couch to go lay on a table and complain to her mother and an eyelash tech about Matt while she got her eyelash extensions done.  Miz Portwood needs to look all purdy because she's about to board one of them there metal birds and fly all the way to Los Angeles, CA so she and Matt can be on ANOTHER reality show to discuss their failing relationship.  I'm pretty sure viewers of TMOG have been watching them fight and try to fix their relationship for like, 3 seasons now, but whatevs.  Amber's mom, who is rarely seen, manages to both look younger than her daughter and be a voice of reason.  She tries to explain Matt is a con artist (no shit) who had nothing when he met Amber and is probably just using her.  Amber, clad in a grey spandex getup that screams, "BUY COUTURE FROM MY WEBSITE," reasons that since she has spent three years with him, she needs to at least try and work it out.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ambs.  Since Amber enjoys being a mother so much, she decides to take three weeks away from Leah to go film Marriage Boot Camp, but not without having a visit with her child before jetting away to Cali.  Amber shows up to Gary and Kristina's house with her over processed hair wrapped in a scarf looking like a clearance rack Erykah Badu.  I don't understand.  At the end of the episode, the free for all that is timeline editing of the show finds us catching up with Ambular three weeks after getting back from California.  She lets the producers know she is officially done with Matt.  I don't think anyone gives a fuck at this point and I'm not sure why Amber is trying to convince herself otherwise.  Yawn.

Maci

Since she has nothing going on in her life besides hiding pregnancies so she can drink through them, Maci's storyline has ultimately become a drawn out description of Rhine's drug addiction.  This episode, we learn that Rhine was actually addicted to heroine, and not just pills (NO. FUCKING. SHIT. SHERLOCK).  Maci sits around and bitches about how Rhine won't agree to a drug test in order to see Bentley, and Rhine does a lot of cryin' about how he's still detoxing (because those 5 minutes in rehab were very effective) and how much of a bitch Maci is for trying to keep his son away from an unstable situation.  Of course, Mack Truck and her nose made sure to insert themselves into any scene possible where Rhine was concerned.  Does this bitch have a job?   Custody of her own child?  What goes on?  Also, Jen and Larry are now blaming themselves for triggering Rhine into putting a needle in his arm, which to me seems a bit counter productive because I'm almost 100% positive Rhine never being held accountable for his own actions is what got us into this predicament to begin with.  Rhine also called a lawyer to see about custody of Bentley and the lawyer (who I'm going to assume is Dustin, Jenelle's law(yer) and savior, because I'm fucking fun like that) basically said what all of us have been screaming at the TV for years, "WHY ARE YOU JUST STARTING TO ACT AS IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SON NOW?"

Catelynn & Tyler

My absolute least favorite people in the world somehow wound up being the most entertaining this episode, because I continuously felt as if I were watching a hidden camera show of sorts and the test was, "how many idiotic things can two people say within an hour?"  The answer: a metric fuck ton.  This entire episode revolved around the launch of their "children's clothing line," Tierra Reign, which they previously revealed has like, 4 fucking outfits.  Way to go guys, you really went for it here.  In an incredible display of both technology and business savvy, the step-sibling spouses explain they will announce the launch of their BIZNESS by letting everyone know on Twitter.  And there, in their kitchen, they launched Tierra Reign.
I imagine this is what it must have looked like when Zuckerberg launched Facebook in his Harvard dorm room.
Unfortunately, and to the surprise of literally no one, the website isn't working!  Tyler tries to explain it's because TOO MANY PEOPLE are clamoring over their keyboards to get their hands on some dollar store knockoff threads and not because they paid someone with the technological savvy of an Amish toddler and paid them in weed and goat feed to design their website.
With a million things to do and take care of, Catelynn decides to get away from her responsibilities and go to the stables to pet horses, as any CEO of a startup would do.
Once the site is up and working, Catelynn and Tyler decide to celebrate their abysmal accomplishment by abandoning all other work-related activities and getting drunk on a boat for the day.
This episode wouldn't have been complete unless Catelynn had gone over her product packaging and once again telling us, "presentation is everything!" while she wears her hair in an unwashed top knot and parades around in public in a top made by a tent maker.
We see Nova at the very end of the episode, because Catelynn & Tyler's 2nd baby has spent most of her time with Catelynn's mom (Tyler's step-mother) April.  I know I might not be a "parent" technically, but I'm almost positive if I blamed my drug-addicted mom for my emotional issues, I wouldn't let her raise my own kid.

Farrah

Austin's resident porn star somehow mothers the most and the least in this episode.  She does spend the entirety of it with her daughter Sophia, but only because she is preparing to leave her for a month to go film some MTV spinoff in Europe or some shit.  She brings Sophia to get mani pedis under the guise of "spending time together" but once Sophia announces she's bored and would like to do other things, Farrah tells her to shut up and let her drink her mimosa and relax in peace.  Ah.  Parenting.
However,  I did chuckle when Sophia unknowingly picked a nail polish with marijuana leaves in it and Ferret told her she couldn't use it, marking the first display of parenting and discipline from any of the mom's all episode.  Farrah also went over the rules Sophia was to follow during her stay with Michael and his girlfriend, Amy, which included "no hide and seek."  Farrah is terrified her daughter will get lost or fatally injured during the game, a stark contrast from TM2's Jenelle, who tells her kids to go play hide and seek in the woods on her LAAAAND for hours so she can get high with soul mate #6.
Meanwhile, in Omaha, Deb is back at the wig store with her hired gay bestie dressed like a knock off Bratz doll.  Deb and her newsboy cap explain how sad she is Farrah won't leave Sophia with her while she whores travels abroad.  I'm so fucking bored.

RECAP: Rhine, Rehab and Runways

File this one under, "OMG I actually wasted two hours of my life watching these hot messes tonight and I am now dumber because of it."

Christmas time has come y'all and this year Santa has given us more than we wanted.  We had not one, but TWO full hour long episodes of the droll white trash odyssey we've all come to love/hate:  Teen Mom OG.  I feel like Lurch's fat mom at his wedding on THE LAAAAND because I just wanna scream "Hallelujah!'

I could probably recap BOTH hours of this fucking natural disaster of a television program in like, three words:  "God damn mess," but what fun would that be for any of us!?  See below while I break down what each former teen mother and current mid-20's "social media influencer" was up to during tonight's visual assault of a television show.

AMBER

Truthfully, I think the only aspect of the franchise that remains hilarious and entertaining are the dramatic scenes with music playing over them and Amber's entire segment during both episodes was pretty much a montage of those.  We find Amber complaining about her 902835903285820 year old boyfriend Matt, who is the father of like 29 children (7 of which at current count are recognized as his in the Massachusetts court of law).  Amber is whining about how he's a shitty boyfriend who was essentially using her to siphon the money she was making from MTV into his gambling habits/drug addiction/child support payments.  They get into a fight about like, whatever the hell they were fighting about (I honestly cannot keep track at this point) and Matt decides to leave to "go spend time with his daughter" for a few days while Amber sits around and mopes.  Cue to the superior editing crew over at MTV, giving us a slow fade out off Matt speeding off in his sports car (that Amber paid for) and Amber sitting on a swing in the backyard surrounded by 3 of her 19 dogs, looking forlorn.  I understand Amber's stressed about wasting time on a guy, but I also feel as though she might be in a better mood if she would loosen the Mulan bun she has her hair permanently knotted into.  Maybe, who knows.  A little while later, Amber's brother comes to visit her and he is both everything and nothing at the same time.  I think I lived for him, and then I died for him, all within the time equivalent of the life span of one of Jenelle's pets (so like...three minutes). Also, Amber affectionately calls her brother cousin "BUBBA" which makes me wonder if anyone in the Portwood home has learned how to show affection without giving someone a pet name that sounds like it could be slapped on a souvenir T shirt at a county fair.  Between Bubba and Boo Boo, I am now FULLY convinced Ambular does not know how to read and may not even know the entire alphabet, having never moved on after the letter "B."
I digress.
Amber and Bubba and BooBoo and Gary and Kristina and BooBoo #2 all go on a boat ride on a lake or whatever body of water Indiana has to offer.  Amber spends the majority of the ride in her favorite position:  reclining lazily while whining about her relationship woes.  This time, she isn't talking the ear off of one of the show's producers, she is whining to replacement Amber Kristina, Gary's wife.
After their blissful ride down the Redneck Riviera, the entire Shirley/Portwood clan decides to go to dinner, where Leah, the most sane and intelligent one in that entire traveling circus, reasons with Amber that she needs to spend every minute with her (including accompanying her to the bathroom) because she doesn't get to see her mom that often.  Obviously, Leah's cries for maternal attention fall on deaf ears because Amber is concerned with dwelling on her relationship problems and also drinking the finest sparkling wine the restaurant had to offer while everyone else in her party drank soda.
The whole outing could have been really cute and given some shred of normalcy to Amber's life and I could have appreciated it if I hadn't been spending the entire time fixated on HOW BADLY SUNBURNED EVERYONE WAS.  Like literally, if I weren't 1000000% sure that everyone in that party existed on a diet of chicken tenders doused in a gallon of ranch dressing, I would have genuinely have been concerned that they stumbled into a seafood restaurant and were mistaken for freshly caught lobsters.  My skin hurt from watching the segment.
I love moments like this in the show because they truly remind all of us how incredibly trashy these cast members are.  What's the saying?  Money can't buy sunscreen?  Something like that.
Either way, after dinner, Amber and her skin cancer had one final show down with Matt that ended in her attempting to kick him out of the house, which he promptly reminded her was also his (because dumb ass Amber put his name on the title LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT).  Matt ended up storming off in his car like a sixteen year old boy and Amber ended up pouting.  Since the editing timeline of this show is a fucking mess and the Internet exists, we all know that Amber winds up rebounding like 3 hours after this scene was filmed and Matt winds up happily wed to a waitress from an Outback Steakhouse, so there's no cause for concern.

FARRAH

This episode, Farrah is set on moving to LA so she can make strip club appearances and fuck Simon while ignoring Sophia.  She leaves that kid of hers with Michael so she can fly off to California to look at real estate, because duh, how can anyone shop for a home with their kid in tow!?  Luckily for Farrah, she won't have to scour the Los Angelos real estate market alone, because she has enlisted the help of a new paid for by MTV friend / real estate agent / life coach / surrogate mother to assist her on her journey.  The two search high and low for the perfect home for Farrah (and Starburst and her 083509285 puppies and Sophia too, I suppose), but unfortunately nothing strikes Farrah's fancy yet.  No house seems to have it all.  I think Farrah should apply her own life strategy to house hunting and remember that while something may not have the most curb appeal, it may work if you go through the back door.   Farrah also reveals that she has a living will, since "Daddy Derek" died so young and she needs to make sure Sophia is taken care of should she die unexpectedly from plastic surgery complications.  A little disturbing, but also probably the smartest thing Farrah has ever said.  At this point, the insane real estate agent crosses the line from being too-friendly to far-too-fucking-much and informs Farrah that she'll help take care of Sophia if something should happen to Miz Abraham.
Um, fucking no.
Back at Michael's, Sophia is trying to take care of Starburst and Farrah is spraying her 81903582098520 Pomeranians with water while locking them in cages.  Meanwhile, Debra is hanging out alone in her living room and doing the MOST product placement while proudly displaying the weird stuffed animal mascot for Froco and simultaneously crying about Farrah not speaking to her. Bless.  Later, Debra decides to bring a man I'm sure she hired through a Craigslist ad her gay best friend to a wig emporium of sorts so she can find the perfect weave to sew into her head to wear for her wedding to Dr. Dave.  This whole family is a fucking mess.
Later, Farrah went to Vegas to spend time with her friend Heather, confirming my theory that Farrah can only hang out with people who have had just as much, if not more, plastic surgery than she.  Between the two girls, I saw an astonishing range of like, 4 emotions shown on their faces.
I guess Simon showed up at the club they were at?  Who fucking cares.

CATELYNN

Last night, we spent the better half of two hours watching Tyler and Catelynn plan a "photo shoot" for their upcoming trailer park chic "clothing line" Tierra Reign.  Essentially, the two fashion moguls (who cannot dress themselves) pimped out a bunch of their degenerate friends' children to put on their poorly made velour disasters and parade around downtown Detroit.  "Oh look honey, this outfit looks great while little Mason dodges bullets!"  "Look how great Nova looks in those velour stretch pants while she tries to step over heroine needles on the streets of Detroit!"  It's a truly magical moment for all involved.
Tyler and Catelynn are also moving forward with their plans of renovating their weird hexagonal newly purchased home.  I think the move will be a great thing for the couple, especially since they revealed their plan to give Cate her very own barn to live in!  THEY'VE MADE IT.
Since everything is just coming up roses in the Baltierra home, Tyler and Cate go camping or roast hotdogs or some other shit typically reserved for the poors in celebration of their photo shoot / new barn / weight gain / who knows at this point.  MTV has hired a new friend for the couple this season, and the aforementioned "close friend" has a little bastard of her own.  Inspired by their new friend's son, Tyler and Catelynn decide they should try for another child.  Ultimately, since they just bought a house and Nova is two years old, the step siblings decide now is not the time to bring another kid into their home.  However, Tyler makes a point of letting Catelynn know that when he successfully knocks her up for a third time, he would like his wife to announce her pregnancy to him in a scene straight out of a white trash Pinterest nightmare.  Jesus Christ these two are honestly the worst.  Later n the episode, Tyler explains to his mother that their "fashion line" consists of 6 outfits total, so clearly the two have been VERY hard at work on it.
Cate did give us another HILARIOUS moment when she was explaining the packaging their K-Mart children's apparel would be delivered in.  "Presentation is everything!" she explained, while she wore a too-tight outfit and looked as if she hadn't showered in weeks.  Hilar.

MACI

For the sake of one-note story lines, Maci is still worried about "RHINE" and his drug use.  Rhine's wife, Mackenzie, proudly explained that he "graduated" from rehab early and will be leaving his treatment facility after only 21 days, which anyone knows is OBVIOUSLY enough time to receive treatment for a drug problem which had supposedly cost him $10,000 A WEEK.  I'm less sure if Rhine was actually discharged or just happened to escape while Mackenzie waited in the car to drive off into the sunset.  With a new lease on life, Rhine seems even less interested in his wife than he did on the way to his wedding ceremony.  I'm sure the taste of sobriety he's given himself allowed for some reflection, and mainly caused him to think, "what the fuck why have I married a 45 year old soccer mom."  Throughout the episode, Maci continues to tell Taylor how she doesn't want Bentley to see Rhine, but since Bentley asked, she will bring him over to Jen & Larry's house.
In a stunning moment of wisdom, Jen explains that she understands Maci's trepidation toward bringing Bentley around his drug addict father, and Rhine and Mackenzie explain to her that Maci is simply still n love with Rhine.  Clearly.  Rhine also condemns Maci's parenting, explaining that Bentley has chores at her house, and he feels bad for his son.  God forbid Rhine had any responsibility as a child, could you imagine how he might have turned out (besides not a dead beat drug addict?)  In his defense, I do think Maci has tossed most of her parenting responsibilities to Bentley, but can you blame her?!  It's HARD to raise two babies while you're blackout drunk 24/7.
Later in the episode, the Edwards / Bookout / McKinney clan is the picture of stability and sobriety when Maci is shown getting hammered and slurring her words in the hot tub with Taylor (where the fuck are the other kids she has?) and Rhine is continuing to work on his sobriety by drinking a beer in the driveway with his parents.  Meanwhile, Larry is teasing viewers with a cryptic, "WAIT TIL THE TRUTH COME OUT," foreshadowing statement.  Honestly, I'm on fucking pins and needles Larry, what is the truth about Maci that you'd rather hint at on reality TV than address?  Overall it's a wholesome, heart warming family scene.  Also, can anyone find Mackenzie's jaw line?  It's still missing.

A few take aways/ observations I have:

1.  THERE IS NOTHING THESE HOES LOVE MORE THAN A FUCKING PHOTO SHOOT.
From Tyler and Catelynn's "clothing line" shoot, Maci's "clothing line" shoot, Jenelle having pictures of herself taken every 30 seconds, Chelsea having a photo shoot to announce her pregnancy with Watson, I feel like the only thing these cast members do is have pictures taken.

2.  HOW HAS PETA NOT STEPPED IN AND GOTTEN THIS SHOW CANCELED
Tyler and Catelynn got a bunch of their barnyard animals killed because they're negligent.  Farrah literally treats a HORSE as if it's a toy and keeps her dogs locked in cages with blankets covering them.  Jenelle has lost 2385028502358238538 animals.  Who the fuck knows what happens in Amber's house.  I mean, c'mon.

3.  WHO TOLD ANY OF THEM TO SELL MERCHANDISE
Last season Tyler actually wore a fedora the entire time.  Catelynn owns one zebra hoodie.  Amber wore a terrycloth onesie in public.  Why do any of these idiots have any type of clothing line/ store.  The only merchandise that even makes sense is Farrah's line of sex toys, because...well at least she has the experience with them

4.  This show is so fucking dumb and doesn't even show anyone being  a mother anymore.
Yet I'm still going to continue to watch it.

Cease & Desist

Looks like Christmas has come early for Kailyn Lowry, Ryan Dolph, Barbara Evans, Randy Houska and Chelsea DeBoer in the form of a cease and desist letter via the LAAAAND from Jenelle & Uncle Bad Touch!

On Monday, November 27, the Teen Mom 2 stars and stars adjacent shared the news with fans on Twitter, and honestly I am fucking here for it.

Mother of 3, recent Delaware State University graduate and co-host of the "Coffee Conversations" podcast, Kailyn Lowry made the delivery of the non-binding, hardly foreboding legal document a laughing matter.

How does one get a cease & desist from someone they don’t care to talk about... & if i did, it’s my opinion 😂 #hijenelle #byejenelle

— Kail Lowry (@KailLowry) November 27, 2017

Happily married stay at home mother of 2, Chelsea DeBoer, also found humor in Jenelle's ridiculous antics.

I just got a cease and desist from Jenelle and David. So there's that lolll. #idonteventalkaboutyou pic.twitter.com/ip3FfXWPo1

— Chelsea DeBoer (@ChelseaHouska) November 27, 2017

DeBoer's father Randy Houska, who is frequently featured on the show, ALSO received a c&d from the swamp dwellers.  Randy is a successful dentist in Vermillion, South Dakota, who I'm sure had no trouble realizing how non-threatening Jenelle's cry for attention letter was.  He served an excellent clap back with a reference to Dustin, the first of many lawyers Jenelle has been seen with on the MTV reality series:

My main disappointment today is that the letter wasn't from Dustin. That woulda been sweet.

— Randy Houska (@PapaRandlicious) November 27, 2017

Jenelle's former close friend Ryan Dolph also let his Twitter followers know Evans, who has been pregnant four times by four different men, also served HIM with the legal document.

I gotta a letter myself stating all types of crazy shit my Dads was telling me lol I just ain’t in no rush to go get it lol #fuckem #dudesacontrolfreak

— Ryan Dolph (@DolphRyan) November 27, 2017

He was then ever so kind to clarify his words for those who don't speak swamp.

When your a public figure your gonna be talked about and it’s free therefore you can’t sue shit

— Ryan Dolph (@DolphRyan) November 28, 2017

And last but not least, Jenelle also gave one to her estranged mother, who currently has full custody of Evan's oldest son Jace, Barbara Evans.

First of all, kudos to literally everyone for laughing this off.  A cease and desist isn't formally pressing charges.  Nobody has to appear in court.  The definition of "cease and desist" is: A cease and desist letter is a document sent to an individual or business to stop purportedly illegal activity ("cease") and to not restart later ("desist").  

Okay, let's break this down.

So essentially, (read this in your best Jenelle or Lurch accent please) Jenelle and David drafted themselves up one of them fancy word letters tellin' their haters they need to stop running their gosh dang mouths about them or else they might be fixin to sue.

via GIPHY

Idiots.

There's one theory that Jenelle is sick of all the click bait articles the cast members share for monetary gain that are filled with literally no news or gossip.  I don't think that's the case, because if you check Jenelle's Instagram, Twitter or Facebook (or so I'm told, I don't know for sure because she FUCKING BLOCKED ME), all she does is share click bait Teen Mom related articles.  While I wouldn't put it past the swamp Princess to be a pot calling a kettle stoned, I don't think that's the issue we're dealing with.

I PERSONALLY believe she's nervous her TM2 cast makes could spill the details about what really went down backstage at the reunion (you know the one where David got drunk and pulled a knife and Chelsea had to hold Kaiser while Jenelle went beserk). So far MTV has catered to every whim Jenelle has in editing.  They've somehow glazed over the child welfare investigation that was launched when her youngest daughter, Enchilada Ensley was born with marijuana in her system.  I personally think that Jenelle is worried her perfect little facade will be shattered if one of her cast mates is asked about it.  

This whole thing is hilarious because Jenelle would first have to prove any of the cast mates were posting specifically about her, and then would have to prove they were intentionally posting lies (laymen's term for libel), which I'm almost positive she'll never be able to do.  Jenelle basically had the one back country lawyer who will make house calls to the swamp draw up some papers that are the equivalent of getting a note sent home from your third grade teacher for giggling in class.  I think what Jenelle failed to realize is that neither Chelsea, nor Kailyn, or Randy or Barbara are criminals, so going to court doesn't scare them.  I'm sure when you're a seasoned criminal as Jenelle is, the thought of going back to a court room is daunting, but if you're an actual contributing member of society, it doesn't seem like a threat at all.

Meanwhile, in the land of spray tans and and dead lifts, Jenelle's ex-fiance and father of her 3rd fetus (but the 2nd child she carried to term), Nathan Griffith, had a few cryptic things to say in 280 characters or less:

Not everyone is on drugs and thinks the world is out to get them. As for me, I’m still on cloud 9. #lifeisgood #theyreallgonnalaughtatme pic.twitter.com/jvlsmQ5704

— Nathan J. Griffith (@GroundLevelUp) November 28, 2017

Nathan DEFINITELY took a dig at Jenelle and her soul mate of the week who have continually been criticized for alleged drug use and constantly remind the world that they are victims.  He also made sure to include a few pictures of him looking happy and healthy, with his current long time girlfriend and his two children, Emery, and Kaiser (who he shares with Jenelle).

God I love these idiots.

RECAP: Drugs, Dogs and Mountain Dew

Well in the entirely non linear and difficult to follow timeline of the Teen Mom franchise, tonight we found ourselves at the beginning of Season 7 - which somehow was overlapping with the finale of Season 6. I know, I'm confused too.  I'm also confused as to why the show is called "Teen Mom" anymore because the show hardly depicts anyone in their teens (save Debra who is so desperately trying to be) and even far less of anyone actually being a mother.

If the premier is any indication of season 7,  the show's loyal base of self hating fans are probably in for one hell of a snooze fest.  I'm pretty sure all the cast of OG ever does anymore is get plastic surgery and flip houses. Boring. Anyway, tonight's episode did have a few highlights, so I'll hit you with the cliff notes harder than Butch, Catelynn and Tyler hit the bong at their last family reunion / court date.

Maci

The show kicks off with Maci on stage with Doctor Drew during the last reunion while Mackenzie read Maci her "heartfelt" letter addressing "Rhiiiiine's" drug addiction.  A few things about the letter: one, I found it incredibly impressive because up until that moment, I was positive that box of StoveTop stuffing in a Charlotte Russe clearance dress didn't know how to read.  Nobody gave her credit for that, and I'm low key annoyed Dr. Drew didn't even have the decency to compliment Mackenzie on the use of a few big words.  Rude.  But anyway, Mackenzie huffed off after Maci disagreed with her, and who can blame her?  I wouldn't have the energy to argue with someone after reading the longest composition I've ever penned out loud on national TV either.  Never one to miss a fight (or a meal), Amber, in a shocking moment of character development has been sitting on a couch during the whole Maci/Mackenzie disagreement.  Because Amber is a CLASSY GIRL, she refrains from physically assaulting Mack Truck and instead just hurls expletives at her.  Whew, that was a close one, I thought we were close to seeing Amber run after Mackenzie like she did at Farrah.  Unfortunately, Amber "has self control now" (her words, literally no one else's) and we only got to witness her standing up (a miracle in and of itself) to scream a few swears at Mrs. Rhiiiiiine before returning to her natural habitat, a couch.  The rest of the premiere was just Maci shamelessly utilizing the show as advertisement for her bullshit T shirt line and rambling on about her first baby daddy's drug problem to another friend, also clad in a TTM shirt. We saw about .20 seconds of Bentley and the girl one while Maci drove in the car.  Later in the episode I think Mack Truck went to rehab to go see her druggie husband or something.  There was a dog involved however and that woke me up from the boredom coma I was falling into, but only briefly enough to learn that Mackenzie has a friend named Dallas and I honestly might need some of whatever the fuck Rhiiiine is on to get through this dumb fuck story line this season.  Oh at some point Mackenzie told a producer that her hubby was spending 10k a week on drugs which I assume in the world of Morgan J. Freeman is a fraction of their weekly "give us a storyline" stipend. Also, has the kid Maci gave fetal alcohol syndrome to been born yet?  I can't keep up with this timeline I feel like I'm in a fucking choose your own adventure book.

Amber

We catch up with Amber at the reunion, where her over processed hair is tied into a tight bun on top of her head and she is serving us full "fat soldier from that army Mulan lied about having a dick to be a part of" realness.  I'm not fucking kidding, that chick somehow manages to look both like a sumo wrestler and the sow he ate for lunch at once and it's kind of miraculous.  Anyway, Amber has been having DRAMA with her senior citizen live in boyfriend Matt and LAWD COULD YOU BELIEVE IT he cheated and also stole money from her.  I, for one, was absolutely floored by these revelations.  How could anyone expect a man, from a city thousands of miles away from Amber, 20+ years her senior, and whom she met via TWITTER to be sneaky and disloyal?!  We did get a glance of Leah for a few minutes when the cameras showed the mother/daughter duo playing with lanyards in Amber's green room.  I'm assuming Leah was trying to get the proper twine measurements for Amber's ankle's to safely secure her in the cattle trailer for the ride back home from NYC.  Because Amber was so stressed out about the problems with Matt, she opted to stay in NYC for a few more nights after the reunion to switch up her routine and take her mind off of things before heading back to their Indiana home.  In a dramatic change of pace, Amber spent her time in the Big Apple sitting in a hotel bed complaining about Matt, because I can only assume the hotel she was staying in didn't have a dog hair covered living room couch for her to sit on in a terry cloth onesie.  Amber did manage to crawl out of bed for a few hours to go do a podcast run by three psychics (AKA women with access to the Internet) who stunned Amber with information they "sensed" about her by reading the first four things that pop up when you Google her name.  Back home again in Indiana, Amber finally returns to the dog shelter she calls home and has a sit down with Matt.  It's less of a sit down and more of an Amber in her sedentary state staring blankly at Mr. Boston while he chugs a 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew and then goes into a caffeine fueled rant about how he relapsed.  Swear to God I was on pins and needles waiting for him to grab a producer and scream, "I'M ALL JACKED UP ON MOUNTAIN DEW" in her face but he didn't, so I guess we'll have to wait until next week for that?

Catelynn

I have said since day 1 Catelynn and Tyler had no place on the show.  First of all, they weren't even parents to begin with.  Second of all, they're boring and awful.  Both of them continue to look more bloated and sound more whiny as the seasons go on, but this year they have even more room to whine and eat takeout quesadillas in because they have BOUGHT A NEW HOME Y'ALL.  The Baltierra family are movin' on up to a hexagonal home in Who the Fuck Cares, Michigan.  I think they're even taking that little ET doppleganger they spawned with them, but who knows.  Catelynn is also preparing for her next impulsive animal purchase, and this time, it's not a micro prig, it's an ANXIETY HORSE!  Catelynn seems to think the animals will help with her crippling anxiety and lack of motivation (I'm sure her chronic marijuana use and lack of personal hygiene has nothing to do with that).  I think she feels at home with the majestic animals because she smells like one of them, but what do I know?  Anyway, Catelynn and her brother husband spend a fair amount of time out on their deck sitting next to an inflatable pool discussing her new barnyard endeavor.  Catelynn, who has undoubtedly watched too many Netflix documentaries about unlikely animal friends while stoned, goes on to explain that the baby goat she's currently breast feeding is going to serve as a friend for the horse, because horses need companionship.  One could assume Catelynn would be the one providing companionship for her new horse, but that would also require Catelynn to get off the couch so I suppose a goat will have to do.  At one point in the episode, Catelynn told the horse man at the horse place (there are terms for these things but IDGAF it's almost 11:00 and it's Monday and I was already half asleep watching this snooze fest don't expect me to look this shit up) that she was excited to braid the horse's mane, which may have been the most comical moment of the entire series.  I would be thrilled to watch Catelynn try to navigate a braid on a horse, especially since there's no evidence she's been able to do so much as a comb through her own hair once in the past 26 years of her life.

Farrah

Tube8's sensation rejoined us at the reunion show, where her family was separated into two different green rooms because Debra brought her fiance and he and Farrah don't get along.  While Farrah doesn't understand why Debra and David are together, I think it's quite obvious:  David looks like a Salvation Army Sana Claus and Debra's face is a dead ringer for a one of the Who characters in the Jim Carrey version of "The Grinch."  Clearly unable to see the bond the two have, Farrah explains to Sophia and Michael (and also Farrah's friend Paola) that she will not be interacting with Debra during the reunion because of David.  Whatever.
Ever the maternal one, Farrah has opted to bring that fun-time hindering child of hers to the red carpet for her like, 295820896208 26th birthday party at an NYC nightclub after the reunion taping.  While painting her face and getting into full porn star costume, Farrah reminds her offspring to to behave while she is left to her own devices at a hotel while Mommy gets her drank on.  In what may be the most hilarious Farrah moment, she is later seen posing on the red carpet...while Sophia takes pictures of her on her iPhone.  Remember that epic moment in Kardashian history when Kim posed for Playboy and Kris was there snapping photos with like, a fucking Nikon digital camera, and she kept encouraging her by saying, "you're doing amazing sweetie?!'  This red carpet scene was precisely like that, except Sophia was Kris and Farrah was Kim.  Of all the TMOG kids, we've seen Sophia the most this season, and I think it's pretty sad when the mother who often forgets she has a child is seen interacting with her kid more than any of the other cast members.  At the nightclub, Farrah is serving us all of her 26th birthday realness by wearing a headband fit for a 1930's prostitute and a dress from the 10th grade Homecoming Sale Rack at Macy's.  Deb and David are lurking in the shadows drinking red wine and dressed as if they are going to a prom at a senior citizen's home.  I honestly will pay both hundreds of dollars I currently have in my saving's account if someone will let Debra know sheer sleeves with crystals glued onto them do not a classy outfit make. She looks like a geriatric figure skater for fuck's sake.  Anyway, the party is as boring and fake as Farrah is, until Dr. Dave leaves the building (I thought he was going to start ringing his bell and asking for donations in his red bucket) and asks Michael to come with him.  At this point, the two Eskimo brothers begin to berate each other and HAVE WORDS, of which my favorite were declared by Dave:  "YOU AREN'T A DOCTOR, I AM."  Essentially,  I think they were arguing because Dave said Michael should take Farrah to therapy and Michael realized therapy wasn't the name of a porn production company so he had no interest.  IDK I was too distracted by Michael's suit vest to be honest.

Overall, I have literally no idea what we're in for this season but I am fully ready for an Amber and Matt blowout.  Did Maci give birth?  I can never remember, I think she often forgets too since she was blackout drunk for most of her pregnancy anyway.  Only time will tell!