RECAP: Drugs, Dogs and Mountain Dew

Well in the entirely non linear and difficult to follow timeline of the Teen Mom franchise, tonight we found ourselves at the beginning of Season 7 - which somehow was overlapping with the finale of Season 6. I know, I'm confused too.  I'm also confused as to why the show is called "Teen Mom" anymore because the show hardly depicts anyone in their teens (save Debra who is so desperately trying to be) and even far less of anyone actually being a mother.

If the premier is any indication of season 7,  the show's loyal base of self hating fans are probably in for one hell of a snooze fest.  I'm pretty sure all the cast of OG ever does anymore is get plastic surgery and flip houses. Boring. Anyway, tonight's episode did have a few highlights, so I'll hit you with the cliff notes harder than Butch, Catelynn and Tyler hit the bong at their last family reunion / court date.

Maci

The show kicks off with Maci on stage with Doctor Drew during the last reunion while Mackenzie read Maci her "heartfelt" letter addressing "Rhiiiiine's" drug addiction.  A few things about the letter: one, I found it incredibly impressive because up until that moment, I was positive that box of StoveTop stuffing in a Charlotte Russe clearance dress didn't know how to read.  Nobody gave her credit for that, and I'm low key annoyed Dr. Drew didn't even have the decency to compliment Mackenzie on the use of a few big words.  Rude.  But anyway, Mackenzie huffed off after Maci disagreed with her, and who can blame her?  I wouldn't have the energy to argue with someone after reading the longest composition I've ever penned out loud on national TV either.  Never one to miss a fight (or a meal), Amber, in a shocking moment of character development has been sitting on a couch during the whole Maci/Mackenzie disagreement.  Because Amber is a CLASSY GIRL, she refrains from physically assaulting Mack Truck and instead just hurls expletives at her.  Whew, that was a close one, I thought we were close to seeing Amber run after Mackenzie like she did at Farrah.  Unfortunately, Amber "has self control now" (her words, literally no one else's) and we only got to witness her standing up (a miracle in and of itself) to scream a few swears at Mrs. Rhiiiiiine before returning to her natural habitat, a couch.  The rest of the premiere was just Maci shamelessly utilizing the show as advertisement for her bullshit T shirt line and rambling on about her first baby daddy's drug problem to another friend, also clad in a TTM shirt. We saw about .20 seconds of Bentley and the girl one while Maci drove in the car.  Later in the episode I think Mack Truck went to rehab to go see her druggie husband or something.  There was a dog involved however and that woke me up from the boredom coma I was falling into, but only briefly enough to learn that Mackenzie has a friend named Dallas and I honestly might need some of whatever the fuck Rhiiiine is on to get through this dumb fuck story line this season.  Oh at some point Mackenzie told a producer that her hubby was spending 10k a week on drugs which I assume in the world of Morgan J. Freeman is a fraction of their weekly "give us a storyline" stipend. Also, has the kid Maci gave fetal alcohol syndrome to been born yet?  I can't keep up with this timeline I feel like I'm in a fucking choose your own adventure book.

Amber

We catch up with Amber at the reunion, where her over processed hair is tied into a tight bun on top of her head and she is serving us full "fat soldier from that army Mulan lied about having a dick to be a part of" realness.  I'm not fucking kidding, that chick somehow manages to look both like a sumo wrestler and the sow he ate for lunch at once and it's kind of miraculous.  Anyway, Amber has been having DRAMA with her senior citizen live in boyfriend Matt and LAWD COULD YOU BELIEVE IT he cheated and also stole money from her.  I, for one, was absolutely floored by these revelations.  How could anyone expect a man, from a city thousands of miles away from Amber, 20+ years her senior, and whom she met via TWITTER to be sneaky and disloyal?!  We did get a glance of Leah for a few minutes when the cameras showed the mother/daughter duo playing with lanyards in Amber's green room.  I'm assuming Leah was trying to get the proper twine measurements for Amber's ankle's to safely secure her in the cattle trailer for the ride back home from NYC.  Because Amber was so stressed out about the problems with Matt, she opted to stay in NYC for a few more nights after the reunion to switch up her routine and take her mind off of things before heading back to their Indiana home.  In a dramatic change of pace, Amber spent her time in the Big Apple sitting in a hotel bed complaining about Matt, because I can only assume the hotel she was staying in didn't have a dog hair covered living room couch for her to sit on in a terry cloth onesie.  Amber did manage to crawl out of bed for a few hours to go do a podcast run by three psychics (AKA women with access to the Internet) who stunned Amber with information they "sensed" about her by reading the first four things that pop up when you Google her name.  Back home again in Indiana, Amber finally returns to the dog shelter she calls home and has a sit down with Matt.  It's less of a sit down and more of an Amber in her sedentary state staring blankly at Mr. Boston while he chugs a 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew and then goes into a caffeine fueled rant about how he relapsed.  Swear to God I was on pins and needles waiting for him to grab a producer and scream, "I'M ALL JACKED UP ON MOUNTAIN DEW" in her face but he didn't, so I guess we'll have to wait until next week for that?

Catelynn

I have said since day 1 Catelynn and Tyler had no place on the show.  First of all, they weren't even parents to begin with.  Second of all, they're boring and awful.  Both of them continue to look more bloated and sound more whiny as the seasons go on, but this year they have even more room to whine and eat takeout quesadillas in because they have BOUGHT A NEW HOME Y'ALL.  The Baltierra family are movin' on up to a hexagonal home in Who the Fuck Cares, Michigan.  I think they're even taking that little ET doppleganger they spawned with them, but who knows.  Catelynn is also preparing for her next impulsive animal purchase, and this time, it's not a micro prig, it's an ANXIETY HORSE!  Catelynn seems to think the animals will help with her crippling anxiety and lack of motivation (I'm sure her chronic marijuana use and lack of personal hygiene has nothing to do with that).  I think she feels at home with the majestic animals because she smells like one of them, but what do I know?  Anyway, Catelynn and her brother husband spend a fair amount of time out on their deck sitting next to an inflatable pool discussing her new barnyard endeavor.  Catelynn, who has undoubtedly watched too many Netflix documentaries about unlikely animal friends while stoned, goes on to explain that the baby goat she's currently breast feeding is going to serve as a friend for the horse, because horses need companionship.  One could assume Catelynn would be the one providing companionship for her new horse, but that would also require Catelynn to get off the couch so I suppose a goat will have to do.  At one point in the episode, Catelynn told the horse man at the horse place (there are terms for these things but IDGAF it's almost 11:00 and it's Monday and I was already half asleep watching this snooze fest don't expect me to look this shit up) that she was excited to braid the horse's mane, which may have been the most comical moment of the entire series.  I would be thrilled to watch Catelynn try to navigate a braid on a horse, especially since there's no evidence she's been able to do so much as a comb through her own hair once in the past 26 years of her life.

Farrah

Tube8's sensation rejoined us at the reunion show, where her family was separated into two different green rooms because Debra brought her fiance and he and Farrah don't get along.  While Farrah doesn't understand why Debra and David are together, I think it's quite obvious:  David looks like a Salvation Army Sana Claus and Debra's face is a dead ringer for a one of the Who characters in the Jim Carrey version of "The Grinch."  Clearly unable to see the bond the two have, Farrah explains to Sophia and Michael (and also Farrah's friend Paola) that she will not be interacting with Debra during the reunion because of David.  Whatever.
Ever the maternal one, Farrah has opted to bring that fun-time hindering child of hers to the red carpet for her like, 295820896208 26th birthday party at an NYC nightclub after the reunion taping.  While painting her face and getting into full porn star costume, Farrah reminds her offspring to to behave while she is left to her own devices at a hotel while Mommy gets her drank on.  In what may be the most hilarious Farrah moment, she is later seen posing on the red carpet...while Sophia takes pictures of her on her iPhone.  Remember that epic moment in Kardashian history when Kim posed for Playboy and Kris was there snapping photos with like, a fucking Nikon digital camera, and she kept encouraging her by saying, "you're doing amazing sweetie?!'  This red carpet scene was precisely like that, except Sophia was Kris and Farrah was Kim.  Of all the TMOG kids, we've seen Sophia the most this season, and I think it's pretty sad when the mother who often forgets she has a child is seen interacting with her kid more than any of the other cast members.  At the nightclub, Farrah is serving us all of her 26th birthday realness by wearing a headband fit for a 1930's prostitute and a dress from the 10th grade Homecoming Sale Rack at Macy's.  Deb and David are lurking in the shadows drinking red wine and dressed as if they are going to a prom at a senior citizen's home.  I honestly will pay both hundreds of dollars I currently have in my saving's account if someone will let Debra know sheer sleeves with crystals glued onto them do not a classy outfit make. She looks like a geriatric figure skater for fuck's sake.  Anyway, the party is as boring and fake as Farrah is, until Dr. Dave leaves the building (I thought he was going to start ringing his bell and asking for donations in his red bucket) and asks Michael to come with him.  At this point, the two Eskimo brothers begin to berate each other and HAVE WORDS, of which my favorite were declared by Dave:  "YOU AREN'T A DOCTOR, I AM."  Essentially,  I think they were arguing because Dave said Michael should take Farrah to therapy and Michael realized therapy wasn't the name of a porn production company so he had no interest.  IDK I was too distracted by Michael's suit vest to be honest.

Overall, I have literally no idea what we're in for this season but I am fully ready for an Amber and Matt blowout.  Did Maci give birth?  I can never remember, I think she often forgets too since she was blackout drunk for most of her pregnancy anyway.  Only time will tell!