RECAP: TRIGGERED

On this week's episode of "Teen Mom OG," viewers were subjected to a lot of crying and an overwhelming amount of stupidity.  After last night's show which features neither teens nor anyone acting like a mother, I was once again left stupider but incredibly entertained.  I was also wondering why I dedicate my time to re-capping these idiots' lives but hey, my ex has blocked me via any and all form of communication so I really have nothing better to do.  Let's see what these dumb hoes have been up to on MTV's most profitable trainwreck.

Amber

This week was all about Amber getting out of her comfort zone.  First, she left her couch to go lay on a table and complain to her mother and an eyelash tech about Matt while she got her eyelash extensions done.  Miz Portwood needs to look all purdy because she's about to board one of them there metal birds and fly all the way to Los Angeles, CA so she and Matt can be on ANOTHER reality show to discuss their failing relationship.  I'm pretty sure viewers of TMOG have been watching them fight and try to fix their relationship for like, 3 seasons now, but whatevs.  Amber's mom, who is rarely seen, manages to both look younger than her daughter and be a voice of reason.  She tries to explain Matt is a con artist (no shit) who had nothing when he met Amber and is probably just using her.  Amber, clad in a grey spandex getup that screams, "BUY COUTURE FROM MY WEBSITE," reasons that since she has spent three years with him, she needs to at least try and work it out.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ambs.  Since Amber enjoys being a mother so much, she decides to take three weeks away from Leah to go film Marriage Boot Camp, but not without having a visit with her child before jetting away to Cali.  Amber shows up to Gary and Kristina's house with her over processed hair wrapped in a scarf looking like a clearance rack Erykah Badu.  I don't understand.  At the end of the episode, the free for all that is timeline editing of the show finds us catching up with Ambular three weeks after getting back from California.  She lets the producers know she is officially done with Matt.  I don't think anyone gives a fuck at this point and I'm not sure why Amber is trying to convince herself otherwise.  Yawn.

Maci

Since she has nothing going on in her life besides hiding pregnancies so she can drink through them, Maci's storyline has ultimately become a drawn out description of Rhine's drug addiction.  This episode, we learn that Rhine was actually addicted to heroine, and not just pills (NO. FUCKING. SHIT. SHERLOCK).  Maci sits around and bitches about how Rhine won't agree to a drug test in order to see Bentley, and Rhine does a lot of cryin' about how he's still detoxing (because those 5 minutes in rehab were very effective) and how much of a bitch Maci is for trying to keep his son away from an unstable situation.  Of course, Mack Truck and her nose made sure to insert themselves into any scene possible where Rhine was concerned.  Does this bitch have a job?   Custody of her own child?  What goes on?  Also, Jen and Larry are now blaming themselves for triggering Rhine into putting a needle in his arm, which to me seems a bit counter productive because I'm almost 100% positive Rhine never being held accountable for his own actions is what got us into this predicament to begin with.  Rhine also called a lawyer to see about custody of Bentley and the lawyer (who I'm going to assume is Dustin, Jenelle's law(yer) and savior, because I'm fucking fun like that) basically said what all of us have been screaming at the TV for years, "WHY ARE YOU JUST STARTING TO ACT AS IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SON NOW?"

Catelynn & Tyler

My absolute least favorite people in the world somehow wound up being the most entertaining this episode, because I continuously felt as if I were watching a hidden camera show of sorts and the test was, "how many idiotic things can two people say within an hour?"  The answer: a metric fuck ton.  This entire episode revolved around the launch of their "children's clothing line," Tierra Reign, which they previously revealed has like, 4 fucking outfits.  Way to go guys, you really went for it here.  In an incredible display of both technology and business savvy, the step-sibling spouses explain they will announce the launch of their BIZNESS by letting everyone know on Twitter.  And there, in their kitchen, they launched Tierra Reign.
I imagine this is what it must have looked like when Zuckerberg launched Facebook in his Harvard dorm room.
Unfortunately, and to the surprise of literally no one, the website isn't working!  Tyler tries to explain it's because TOO MANY PEOPLE are clamoring over their keyboards to get their hands on some dollar store knockoff threads and not because they paid someone with the technological savvy of an Amish toddler and paid them in weed and goat feed to design their website.
With a million things to do and take care of, Catelynn decides to get away from her responsibilities and go to the stables to pet horses, as any CEO of a startup would do.
Once the site is up and working, Catelynn and Tyler decide to celebrate their abysmal accomplishment by abandoning all other work-related activities and getting drunk on a boat for the day.
This episode wouldn't have been complete unless Catelynn had gone over her product packaging and once again telling us, "presentation is everything!" while she wears her hair in an unwashed top knot and parades around in public in a top made by a tent maker.
We see Nova at the very end of the episode, because Catelynn & Tyler's 2nd baby has spent most of her time with Catelynn's mom (Tyler's step-mother) April.  I know I might not be a "parent" technically, but I'm almost positive if I blamed my drug-addicted mom for my emotional issues, I wouldn't let her raise my own kid.

Farrah

Austin's resident porn star somehow mothers the most and the least in this episode.  She does spend the entirety of it with her daughter Sophia, but only because she is preparing to leave her for a month to go film some MTV spinoff in Europe or some shit.  She brings Sophia to get mani pedis under the guise of "spending time together" but once Sophia announces she's bored and would like to do other things, Farrah tells her to shut up and let her drink her mimosa and relax in peace.  Ah.  Parenting.
However,  I did chuckle when Sophia unknowingly picked a nail polish with marijuana leaves in it and Ferret told her she couldn't use it, marking the first display of parenting and discipline from any of the mom's all episode.  Farrah also went over the rules Sophia was to follow during her stay with Michael and his girlfriend, Amy, which included "no hide and seek."  Farrah is terrified her daughter will get lost or fatally injured during the game, a stark contrast from TM2's Jenelle, who tells her kids to go play hide and seek in the woods on her LAAAAND for hours so she can get high with soul mate #6.
Meanwhile, in Omaha, Deb is back at the wig store with her hired gay bestie dressed like a knock off Bratz doll.  Deb and her newsboy cap explain how sad she is Farrah won't leave Sophia with her while she whores travels abroad.  I'm so fucking bored.