Christmas time has come y'all and this year Santa has given us more than we wanted. We had not one, but TWO full hour long episodes of the droll white trash odyssey we've all come to love/hate: Teen Mom OG. I feel like Lurch's fat mom at his wedding on THE LAAAAND because I just wanna scream "Hallelujah!'
I could probably recap BOTH hours of this fucking natural disaster of a television program in like, three words: "God damn mess," but what fun would that be for any of us!? See below while I break down what each former teen mother and current mid-20's "social media influencer" was up to during tonight's visual assault of a television show.
AMBER
Truthfully, I think the only aspect of the franchise that remains hilarious and entertaining are the dramatic scenes with music playing over them and Amber's entire segment during both episodes was pretty much a montage of those. We find Amber complaining about her 902835903285820 year old boyfriend Matt, who is the father of like 29 children (7 of which at current count are recognized as his in the Massachusetts court of law). Amber is whining about how he's a shitty boyfriend who was essentially using her to siphon the money she was making from MTV into his gambling habits/drug addiction/child support payments. They get into a fight about like, whatever the hell they were fighting about (I honestly cannot keep track at this point) and Matt decides to leave to "go spend time with his daughter" for a few days while Amber sits around and mopes. Cue to the superior editing crew over at MTV, giving us a slow fade out off Matt speeding off in his sports car (that Amber paid for) and Amber sitting on a swing in the backyard surrounded by 3 of her 19 dogs, looking forlorn. I understand Amber's stressed about wasting time on a guy, but I also feel as though she might be in a better mood if she would loosen the Mulan bun she has her hair permanently knotted into. Maybe, who knows. A little while later, Amber's brother comes to visit her and he is both everything and nothing at the same time. I think I lived for him, and then I died for him, all within the time equivalent of the life span of one of Jenelle's pets (so like...three minutes). Also, Amber affectionately calls her brother cousin "BUBBA" which makes me wonder if anyone in the Portwood home has learned how to show affection without giving someone a pet name that sounds like it could be slapped on a souvenir T shirt at a county fair. Between Bubba and Boo Boo, I am now FULLY convinced Ambular does not know how to read and may not even know the entire alphabet, having never moved on after the letter "B."
I digress.
Amber and Bubba and BooBoo and Gary and Kristina and BooBoo #2 all go on a boat ride on a lake or whatever body of water Indiana has to offer. Amber spends the majority of the ride in her favorite position: reclining lazily while whining about her relationship woes. This time, she isn't talking the ear off of one of the show's producers, she is whining to
After their blissful ride down the Redneck Riviera, the entire Shirley/Portwood clan decides to go to dinner, where Leah, the most sane and intelligent one in that entire traveling circus, reasons with Amber that she needs to spend every minute with her (including accompanying her to the bathroom) because she doesn't get to see her mom that often. Obviously, Leah's cries for maternal attention fall on deaf ears because Amber is concerned with dwelling on her relationship problems and also drinking the finest sparkling wine the restaurant had to offer while everyone else in her party drank soda.
The whole outing could have been really cute and given some shred of normalcy to Amber's life and I could have appreciated it if I hadn't been spending the entire time fixated on HOW BADLY SUNBURNED EVERYONE WAS. Like literally, if I weren't 1000000% sure that everyone in that party existed on a diet of chicken tenders doused in a gallon of ranch dressing, I would have genuinely have been concerned that they stumbled into a seafood restaurant and were mistaken for freshly caught lobsters. My skin hurt from watching the segment.
I love moments like this in the show because they truly remind all of us how incredibly trashy these cast members are. What's the saying? Money can't buy sunscreen? Something like that.
Either way, after dinner, Amber and her skin cancer had one final show down with Matt that ended in her attempting to kick him out of the house, which he promptly reminded her was also his (because dumb ass Amber put his name on the title LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT). Matt ended up storming off in his car like a sixteen year old boy and Amber ended up pouting. Since the editing timeline of this show is a fucking mess and the Internet exists, we all know that Amber winds up rebounding like 3 hours after this scene was filmed and Matt winds up happily wed to a waitress from an Outback Steakhouse, so there's no cause for concern.
FARRAH
This episode, Farrah is set on moving to LA so she can make strip club appearances and fuck Simon while ignoring Sophia. She leaves that kid of hers with Michael so she can fly off to California to look at real estate, because duh, how can anyone shop for a home with their kid in tow!? Luckily for Farrah, she won't have to scour the Los Angelos real estate market alone, because she has enlisted the help of a new
Um, fucking no.
Back at Michael's, Sophia is trying to take care of Starburst and Farrah is spraying her 81903582098520 Pomeranians with water while locking them in cages. Meanwhile, Debra is hanging out alone in her living room and doing the MOST product placement while proudly displaying the weird stuffed animal mascot for Froco and simultaneously crying about Farrah not speaking to her. Bless. Later, Debra decides to bring
Later, Farrah went to Vegas to spend time with her friend Heather, confirming my theory that Farrah can only hang out with people who have had just as much, if not more, plastic surgery than she. Between the two girls, I saw an astonishing range of like, 4 emotions shown on their faces.
I guess Simon showed up at the club they were at? Who fucking cares.
CATELYNN
Last night, we spent the better half of two hours watching Tyler and Catelynn plan a "photo shoot" for their upcoming trailer park chic "clothing line" Tierra Reign. Essentially, the two fashion moguls (who cannot dress themselves) pimped out a bunch of their degenerate friends' children to put on their poorly made velour disasters and parade around downtown Detroit. "Oh look honey, this outfit looks great while little Mason dodges bullets!" "Look how great Nova looks in those velour stretch pants while she tries to step over heroine needles on the streets of Detroit!" It's a truly magical moment for all involved.
Tyler and Catelynn are also moving forward with their plans of renovating their weird hexagonal newly purchased home. I think the move will be a great thing for the couple, especially since they revealed their plan to give Cate her very own barn to live in! THEY'VE MADE IT.
Since everything is just coming up roses in the Baltierra home, Tyler and Cate go camping or roast hotdogs or some other shit typically reserved for the poors in celebration of their photo shoot / new barn / weight gain / who knows at this point. MTV has hired a new friend for the couple this season, and the aforementioned "close friend" has a little bastard of her own. Inspired by their new friend's son, Tyler and Catelynn decide they should try for another child. Ultimately, since they just bought a house and Nova is two years old, the step siblings decide now is not the time to bring another kid into their home. However, Tyler makes a point of letting Catelynn know that when he successfully knocks her up for a third time, he would like his wife to announce her pregnancy to him in a scene straight out of a white trash Pinterest nightmare. Jesus Christ these two are honestly the worst. Later n the episode, Tyler explains to his mother that their "fashion line" consists of 6 outfits total, so clearly the two have been VERY hard at work on it.
Cate did give us another HILARIOUS moment when she was explaining the packaging their K-Mart children's apparel would be delivered in. "Presentation is everything!" she explained, while she wore a too-tight outfit and looked as if she hadn't showered in weeks. Hilar.
MACI
For the sake of one-note story lines, Maci is still worried about "RHINE" and his drug use. Rhine's wife, Mackenzie, proudly explained that he "graduated" from rehab early and will be leaving his treatment facility after only 21 days, which anyone knows is OBVIOUSLY enough time to receive treatment for a drug problem which had supposedly cost him $10,000 A WEEK. I'm less sure if Rhine was actually discharged or just happened to escape while Mackenzie waited in the car to drive off into the sunset. With a new lease on life, Rhine seems even less interested in his wife than he did on the way to his wedding ceremony. I'm sure the taste of sobriety he's given himself allowed for some reflection, and mainly caused him to think, "what the fuck why have I married a 45 year old soccer mom." Throughout the episode, Maci continues to tell Taylor how she doesn't want Bentley to see Rhine, but since Bentley asked, she will bring him over to Jen & Larry's house.
In a stunning moment of wisdom, Jen explains that she understands Maci's trepidation toward bringing Bentley around his drug addict father, and Rhine and Mackenzie explain to her that Maci is simply still n love with Rhine. Clearly. Rhine also condemns Maci's parenting, explaining that Bentley has chores at her house, and he feels bad for his son. God forbid Rhine had any responsibility as a child, could you imagine how he might have turned out (besides not a dead beat drug addict?) In his defense, I do think Maci has tossed most of her parenting responsibilities to Bentley, but can you blame her?! It's HARD to raise two babies while you're blackout drunk 24/7.
Later in the episode, the Edwards / Bookout / McKinney clan is the picture of stability and sobriety when Maci is shown getting hammered and slurring her words in the hot tub with Taylor (where the fuck are the other kids she has?) and Rhine is continuing to work on his sobriety by drinking a beer in the driveway with his parents. Meanwhile, Larry is teasing viewers with a cryptic, "WAIT TIL THE TRUTH COME OUT," foreshadowing statement. Honestly, I'm on fucking pins and needles Larry, what is the truth about Maci that you'd rather hint at on reality TV than address? Overall it's a wholesome, heart warming family scene. Also, can anyone find Mackenzie's jaw line? It's still missing.
A few take aways/ observations I have:
1. THERE IS NOTHING THESE HOES LOVE MORE THAN A FUCKING PHOTO SHOOT.
From Tyler and Catelynn's "clothing line" shoot, Maci's "clothing line" shoot, Jenelle having pictures of herself taken every 30 seconds, Chelsea having a photo shoot to announce her pregnancy with Watson, I feel like the only thing these cast members do is have pictures taken.
2. HOW HAS PETA NOT STEPPED IN AND GOTTEN THIS SHOW CANCELED
Tyler and Catelynn got a bunch of their barnyard animals killed because they're negligent. Farrah literally treats a HORSE as if it's a toy and keeps her dogs locked in cages with blankets covering them. Jenelle has lost 2385028502358238538 animals. Who the fuck knows what happens in Amber's house. I mean, c'mon.
3. WHO TOLD ANY OF THEM TO SELL MERCHANDISE
Last season Tyler actually wore a fedora the entire time. Catelynn owns one zebra hoodie. Amber wore a terrycloth onesie in public. Why do any of these idiots have any type of clothing line/ store. The only merchandise that even makes sense is Farrah's line of sex toys, because...well at least she has the experience with them
4. This show is so fucking dumb and doesn't even show anyone being a mother anymore.
Yet I'm still going to continue to watch it.
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